feel free to post jokes...I meant to delete the first one but the whole topic got deleted...
sorry guys...take care what you post... char |
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Wait a minute! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/confused.gif Char! What did I say bad??? http://www.corfid.com/ubb/frown.gif (If anything?) I'd really like to know.
------------------ "A knight of the road,going back to a place where he might get warm." http://www.corfid.com/ubb/wink.gif - Borderstone [This message has been edited by Borderstone (edited November 01, 2004).] |
quote:Originally posted by Borderstone:
What did I say bad??? B, it was actually Gaby's man-squishing http://www.corfid.com/ubb/wink.gif yeah, i took my complaint to the TOP, lol |
Lol!
Hey!! jj, - have you been nipping over the border? http://www.corfid.com/ubb/wink.gif I found this in this week’s Sunday Times – Kidnap of the week Three thieves were arrested after returning to the scene of their crime to silence a talking parrot. They feared the bird would identify them to police. The three men raided a house in Memphis, Tennessee, and were making off with their haul when one of them realised the parrot had heard him using the nickname JJ. Fearing the parrot would squeal to the law, they decided to return for the bird. The raiders were just loading the parrot into the car when a patrol car arrived to give chase. The bird escaped when the thieves’ car crashed and its cage burst open. It is currently on the run. jj – would you repost your children joke? – I want to send it to a friend. Thanks. |
Borderstone...my post said I meant to delete the FIRST one...yours was not first...
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lol, bizzare stuff...guess that's why i use a lowercase 'jj', don't want to be mistaken for that 'JJ' (and i'm too lazy to use the shift button!)
my archives are a mess, enjoy, friend of G http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif CHILDREN: 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day. AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!! |
Thanks, jj. http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif
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quote:Originally posted by Gaby:
The bird escaped when the thieves’ car crashed and its cage burst open. It is currently on the run Could that be Lyle? |
SPEAKING ABOUT PARROTS...
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the Priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered." ------------------ "The station is for travelers even you must ride someday" [This message has been edited by stationmaster (edited November 02, 2004).] |
it's time for me to turn over a new leaf http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif
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I’m posting this as a proxy for Bru who is so poorly she can’t do it herself. (Although she can obviously boot up her pc and email!!??) -
If you've seen some of these before, I apologise but they made me laugh. I'm not the only 'blonde' when it comes to computers! HELPDESK LOG... Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Celine: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..." Celine: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ... Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it! Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... Customer: I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer? Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It's not working. Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly? Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening... Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work! Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? A customer couldn't get on the internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears! Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem? Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me? Helpdesk: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? |
good ones, lol...hope your getting fluids!
yeah, i hate when i call for support and they ask my password to confirm whatever but i've got the "remember next time" option selected so i always answer ****** http://www.corfid.com/ubb/tongue.gif (i actually usually have no clue what i put in there the first time, maybe my fave sports team at the time or whatever) and no char, you can't crack my e-mail by putting in "Leafs", they don't even exist right now http://www.corfid.com/ubb/frown.gif [This message has been edited by jj (edited November 03, 2004).] |
Y'all must have heard all the jokes that start out "You might be a redneck if" so how about a collection of jokes that start out "You might be a Lighthead if..." Now it may take awhile but go on give it a shot.
Bill http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif |
Biiill, This here li’ll ole Brit sure ain’t never heard no redneck jokes.
Oh, good heavens! – I can’t keep up this ridiculous accent! Give an example. Please. |
You might be a Lighthead if..
You hear someone say "cool sundown", and you immediately turn up the radio... Not too funny, but its a start..... Walt http://waltsongs.safossils.com |
"...wear braces/suspenders" http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif
see, i'm even bilingual! (this game's easy) |
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary. "Certainly, madam," he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully. "Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist. "OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocio us!" |
Heard by a caller on a Boston sports radio station after the Red Sox won the WS:
"Now that the post season is over, has anyone seen my wife and kids?" |
Some years ago a man and a dog went into a theatrical agency in New York, and announced that the dog could talk.
"Oh yeah," said the agent, "heard it all before, beat it." "No, no" said the man "this dog CAN talk." "Right, Fido, how do you feel first thing in the morning after a night out" "Ruff" said the dog. "There you go" said the man "Rough, don't we all?" "Get outta here" said the agent. "Wait" said the man. "Fido, how did it feel, in the carpark, when you sat down and pulled yourself along on your backside?" "Ruff" said the dog. "There you go" said the man "Rough." "I've had enough of this," said the agent, "Now scoot." "One more" said the man. "This is the clincher. Right, Fido, who is the greatest Baseball player who ever lived?" "Ruff" said the dog. "There it is" said the man "Ruth, Babe Ruth, now how about it?" "Thats it" said the agent as he threw them out to door. "And don't come back." As they sat on the sidewalk. The dog looked at the man and said, "Heck, I guess I should have said Joe DiMaggio." |
From The Original Hollywood Squares T.V. Show. These are from the days
when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes... Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married? A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"? A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"? A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment. Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking? A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget! Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year? A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries! Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score? A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark. Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army! Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy? A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch! Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean? A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing. Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it? A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected! Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds? A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee. Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen? A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question. Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex? A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it? A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming. Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A: Charley Weaver: His feet. Q: Do female frogs croak? A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light? A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice. Q: Should you wear rubber gloves while giving a baby a bath? A: Paul Lynde: Only if you're using an abrasive cleanser. |
Cathy, I laughed till I cried!! My kids kept coming over to me, saying, "What's so funny, Mommy?" I kept shooing them away from the computer, saying, "It's not appropriate for you!" (And, yes, I DO remember all those people!!)
Sheryl |
I remember "Hollywood Squares" ('70s & after) quite well! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Especially Paul Lynde! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Who I happen to do a very good impression of! Here's a P.L. type joke I made myself.
"I had puppy once that I trained for the K-9 corps." "I made him sleep in a "pup" tent!" (In Paul's voice):"Oh,that's a good one,I love it!" How about Paul Lynde as Uncle Auther on Bewitched? "Oh Sammy,mah feet are killing me!" (Guns appear on his shoes firing blanks at him!) http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif I'd love to be center square on H.S. myself! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/wink.gif ------------------ "A knight of the road,going back to a place where he might get warm." ;) - Borderstone |
Joke, sort of ... And I paraphrase Sharon Stone:
'Woman may fake orgasams but men can fake a whole relationship' This is a joke????????????? ROTFL http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif |
"One day I was traveling in a bus that had a really bad jerk in it.....that's when the driver told me to get out!" http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/wink.gif
_____________________________________________ "Did you hear about the road made of chewing gum?" "Chewing gum?" "No." "Oh,yeah." "They called it "CareFree Highway"!!! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/rolleyes.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/cool.gif _____________________________________________ ------------------ "A knight of the road,going back to a place where he might get warm." http://www.corfid.com/ubb/wink.gif - Borderstone [This message has been edited by Borderstone (edited November 22, 2004).] |
Q: Should you wear rubber gloves while giving a baby a bath?
hey, so what's the real answer to that???? ps) btw, Gymnasium...always loved that joke http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif |
quote:Originally posted by jj:
Q: Should you wear rubber gloves while giving a baby a bath? hey, so what's the real answer to that???? ps) btw, Gymnasium...always loved that joke http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif Why would you wear rubber gloves? Are you afraid he'll poop on your fingers? No, you shouldn't wear rubber gloves while giving a baby a bath. How would all of those people who had babies before rubber gloves were invent have done it? Cathy http://www.cathycowette.com |
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves. A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves. The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!" |
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'." |
This is a conversation from Joleen, a former employee and Wynonna Judd fan, about a month before her first year was up:
Joleen: Cathy, I just have one question, am I getting a raise? I know you mentioned it a couple of weeks ago, and I have never heard about it again. I know you have been busy, I would just like to know for financial reasons. PS: I will stop talking about Wynonna if I get a raise. Joleen --------------------------------------------- My reply: Yes, as soon as I get a chance to do it. I have a bunch to do tomorrow. If you write 100 times that you love Gordon Lightfoot's music, and that he is indeed better than Wynonna, maybe I'll get a chance to do yours. Cathy --------------------------------------------- Joleen's reply: Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks..... Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks Joleen --------------------------------------------- And this one is a two week notice that I found in my inbox on April Fools' Day: Cathy, Today is the saddest day of my life. I am putting in my 2 weeks notice. The goverment sees it fit to enroll me in the Witness Protection Program. Last week Sarah Spooner & I were standing on the corner of State & Main, when we both saw some things that we were never meant to see. The Goverment is not putting Sarah in the Witness Protection Program because, frankly, they would rather see her dead. She is worth nothing to them, because she is not a credible witness to anything because she has been in & out of jail for the last 7 years. They also believe she would do anything for money. So they believe her testimony could be bought by anyone. After I leave here I can have no further contact with anyone I have ever known. I never exsisted. I never worked here & my name was never Joleen. I am forced to move to Tahiti, living on the beach, drinking pina coladas. This is not the way I would like to live my life, but my testimony is vital to putting John " the iron fist" Ciccolella behind bars. I was told I could bring only one thing with me & I am choosing to bring a Gordon Lightfoot cd, so can I borrow yours.??? Bye, The Person Formally Known As Joleen Cathy http://www.cathycowette.cm |
This one always cracks me up, no matter how many times I read it.
SKULE ECKSUKES These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. Cathy http://www.cathycowette.com |
Oldie but Goody! Some of the youngsters might not know it.. but, then, they won't know the original song so, they won't get the joke anyway......Oh......what the hell!!......
A man asked his son what he would like for his forthcoming sixth birthday. The son said he wanted a hamster so the man visited the local pet shop. There he found the perfect hamster who was in the peak of health so he bought it. He also bought a cage with a wheel and a water bottle. As he was leaving the store owner said "Any problems what-so-ever, just come back here. I live right above the shop and I'll help you out any time you want." The man put the hamster and cage in his car and drove home. He left them in there until his son had gone to bed so that he wouldn't see them when he brought them in. Next morning is the son's birthday so the man gets up early to wrap the other presents and to check on the hamster. He is horrified to see that the hamster is lying dead in the bottom of the cage with it's legs in the air! He realises that his son will be distraught as he's talked about nothing else for weeks! Quickly he pulled on his coat and drove round to the pet shop and knocked on the owner's door. He explains the problem and the owner is quite understanding and gives the man a new hamster, refusing to take any payment for it. The man then says "What can I do with the old one? I don't want to bury it as the cat may dig it up and I don't want to throw it away in case my son sees it in the bin". The pet-shop owner replies "What I do is mix up a strong sugar solution - about 1.5kg of sugar and 2 litres of water, bring it to the boil and then add the hamster and simmer for about two hours, stirring periodically. It makes quite a nice jam." The man says thank you and that he will try the rather strange recipe and then dashes home with the new hamster. He gives the new hamster to his son who is thrilled with it and promptly goes off to play with it. The man then decides to try the pet-shop owner's recipe so goes to the supermarket to get some sugar, then gets the largest saucepan he has and starts cooking. After two hours, the mixture has become jam-like so the man decides to try it. He gets a slice of bread and smears a layer on and takes a bite. And it is (not unsurprisingly) absolutely revolting! In disgust he throws the rest of the mixture out of the window, all over his garden, and does his best to forget about the whole thing. But after a few days he notices that daffodils are springing up all over his lawn. He is at a loss to explain it as he's never had any in his garden before! Next day, his son asks him to take him to the pet-shop as he wants to get some more food for the hamster so the man agrees. Whilst his son is looking around at the other animals, the pet-shop owner, recognising the man, comes over to talk to him. "So", he said, "did you try that recipe I gave you?" "Yes, but it tasted disgusting so I threw it out the window. Odd thing is, where it landed I've got daffodils growing!" "Daffodils?" asked the store owner, "Are you sure? You usually get tulips from hamster-jam" |
This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it. “Hey, what's that?” “A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.” “Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room. “Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!” “Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?” |
A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet poodle along for company.
One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long the poodle discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him. He slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says.... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" |
A bumper sticker for both parties.
FINALLY someone has come out with A 100% Bi-Partisan Political Bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State: "2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN" Democrats put it on the rear bumper. Republicans put it on the front bumper |
quote:Originally posted by waltsongs:
A bumper sticker for both parties. FINALLY someone has come out with A 100% Bi-Partisan Political Bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State: "2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN" Democrats put it on the rear bumper. Republicans put it on the front bumper LOL. A little double meaning there. I'm going to put one on each bumper and confuse everyone. Cathy http://www.cathycowette.com |
I'm glad you see the humor in it. I'll vote for her if she runs...
Walt |
quote:Originally posted by waltsongs:
"2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN" heh heh http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif btw, i see RUN LOLA RUN is on dvd cool, a bit more artsy than Sliding Doors, lol |
quote:Originally posted by charlene:
feel free to post jokes...I meant to delete the first one but the whole topic got deleted... sorry guys...take care what you post... char Oops. My bad. I am sorry, I posted a racial joke, and I guess I shouldn't have posted it. http://www.corfid.com/ubb/frown.gif |
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons? Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Banning the bra was a big flop. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. Without geometry, life is pointless. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. |
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